Co-Parenting Chaos: How Narcissists Counter-Parent to Control and Divide & How To Keep Your Sanity!
- Eddison Smith
- Jul 22, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 15, 2024
By Shannon Savoy
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce is challenging under any circumstances, but it becomes particularly difficult when one parent is a narcissist. Children all over the world are affected by narcissistic parents and parental alienation which is a form of emotional abuse. When one or both parents are narcissistic it makes co-parenting essentially unbearable. The term “counter-parenting” more accurately describes the parenting relationship with a narcissist, as their actions often directly oppose and undermine the efforts of the other parent. Understanding this dynamic is crucial for anyone navigating the complexities of raising children with a narcissistic ex-partner.
Understanding Narcissism
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by traits such as a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration. Narcissists often manipulate and control others to maintain their self-image and fulfill their needs. These traits can make cooperative parenting virtually impossible, as the narcissist’s focus remains on their best interest and desires versus than the well-being of their children. A narcissist’s is more focused on assuming control over the child and using the child to inflict emotional, psychological, and financial harm to the other parent versus the care of their own child/children.
What Is Counter-Parenting?
Counter-parenting is a term that describes the behavior of a narcissist who deliberately opposes
and sabotages the parenting efforts of their co-parent. This can manifest in various ways,
including:
Undermining Authority: Narcissists may contradict the other parent’s rules and decisions in front of the children, creating confusion and instability.
Manipulation: They might use the children as pawns to manipulate and control the other parent, often by portraying themselves as the “fun” or “good” parent.
Parental Alienation. Parental alienation is when one or both parents hold the children in emotional or physical hostage, using them as pawns to seek revenge or gain control of the children & the relationship. This is typical with narcissistic parents. The alienating parent tells lies about the other parent to the child or shares information that is harmful about the other parent. This is done intentionally to drive a wedge between the non-alienating parent and the child so that the narcissist maintains control.
Conflict Creation: Narcissists thrive on drama and may instigate conflicts to maintain a sense of power and control. They triangulate and create manufactured chaos to keep those around them confused so they seem like the voice of reason.
Neglect and Inconsistency: They may be unreliable, failing to show up for scheduled visits or disregarding the children’s needs, all while blaming the other parent for any negative outcomes.
Financial Abuse: They may control or withhold all financial resources, making it difficult for the other parent to access money needed for necessities or child-related expenses such as medical expenses, childcare, or educational needs to punish or manipulate the other parent.
The Impact on Children
Children caught in a counter-parenting dynamic suffer greatly. The instability and conflict created by the narcissistic parent can lead to emotional and psychological issues, including:
Confusion and Anxiety: Mixed messages from parents can leave children feeling insecure and anxious.
Loyalty Conflicts: Children may feel torn between pleasing both parents, leading to guilt and confusion.
Low Self-Esteem: Constant exposure to a narcissistic parent’s manipulative behavior can damage a child’s self-worth and self-confidence.
Therapists and court systems can be dangerous if they do not understand the complexities of “co-parenting” with a narcissist. Often, they can be narcissistic as well, or ignorant of how diabolical narcissists are. Many do not consider the psychological & emotional damage a narcissistic parent inflicts on a child. Parental alienation is typically not acknowledged in medical or judicial systems. Nonetheless, it exists and damages not only the child, but the non-narcissistic parent as well.
Narcissists are master manipulators. They fool therapists, Christian counselors, Judges, and lawyers, who may advocate for them, instead of the best interest of the child.
Strategies for Coping with Counter-Parenting
While you cannot change a narcissist’s behavior, you can take steps to protect yourself and your children from the negative effects of counter-parenting:
1. Establish Boundaries: Set clear and firm boundaries with the narcissistic parent. Stick to them consistently, and do not engage in arguments or emotional discussions. Keep in mind that you are not dealing with a rational minded person. Even when a narcissist is “nice” to you/your child, do not fall for the act. If a narcissist is “nice”, they want something from you. Stand firm on your boundaries. Narcissists do not like rules or boundaries so it will be up to you to enforce the boundaries set.
2. Document. Document. Document: Keep detailed records of all interactions, including emails, texts, and notes on verbal conversations. I recommend to my clients to have an email address strictly for communication with the narcissistic parent. I also recommend a co-parent app, such as “Our Family Wizard”, “Coparently”, “Cozi”, “2Houses”, or “Custody X Change”. They provide app-only communication, calendars, expenses, events, etc. This is important when a parent does not feel safe providing their phone number and want to use a third-party application to communicate. These apps can be court mandated and ensures communication with the narcissist is documented and readily available for court proceedings if necessary.
3. Use Parallel Parenting: Instead of traditional co-parenting, parallel parenting minimizes direct contact and communication between parents. Each parent operates independently, adhering strictly to the custody agreement. For example, if the narcissistic parent allows the children to stay up all night at their home, at your home you set and enforce the children’s bedtime at your home. Understand the narcissist will likely do the opposite of what you put into place. Parallel parenting does not try to control or dictate anything that the narcissist does. You have your rules and guidelines, and you stand beside them.
4. Seek Support: Spiritual deliverance, coaching, therapy or counseling can provide powerful & valuable support for both you and your children. Your “A-Team” can help you navigate the emotional challenges and offer strategies for dealing with a narcissistic parent.
5. Prioritize Your Children’s Well-being: Focus on creating a stable and nurturing
environment for your children. Listen to their concerns, validate their feelings, and
provide consistent love and support.
Legal Considerations
In some cases, legal intervention may be necessary. Consulting with a family law attorney who understands narcissistic and high conflict behavior can help you explore options such as modifying custody arrangements or seeking supervised visitation if the narcissistic parent’s behavior is harmful to the children. Do not call a suspected narcissist a narcissist. Your job is not to diagnose them, but to show the patterns of their behavior and how it negatively impacts your child and their future.
Conclusion
Counter-parenting is a destructive dynamic that undermines the efforts of cooperative parenting. By recognizing and understanding the behaviors of a narcissistic ex-partner, you can take
proactive steps to protect your children and maintain a healthy and stable environment. Remember, you cannot control the actions of the narcissist, you can control your responses
and prioritize the well-being of your children. Narcissists want a reaction and for you to respond out of character in a way that fits the smear campaign and narrative told about you. Remember to always keep your CROWN on and your child’s emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological well-being first.
For more on spiritual warfare, parental alienation, and counter parenting with a suspected narcissist from a biblical perspective watch the videos below:
Narcissists, Covenants, Children, & Co-parenting! https://youtube.com/live/nNysA3MCRV4
Prayers Against Narcissists, Parental Alienation, & Court Room Battles
Bad Seed? When Your Child Is A Narcissist!
Though they join hand in hand, the wicked shall not go unpunished; but the seed of the righteous shall be delivered. Proverbs 11:21
For more information visit narcfreeliving.com
Comments